Thank God for Friday prayers!

Know, dear readers, that this could be my last article. I will soon hit millions and jet around the world with my newfound wealth.

If at all I write again, it could be from my hotel suite overlooking the Eiffel Tower or from a café in a wild safari park in South Africa.

Oh yes, you heard me right. I am going to become a millionaire soon.

I will tell you the secret of my rags-to-riches tale once my invention is patented and approved, and once the prototype is out of the lab so that I can give it for mass production and sing “money, money, money!”

My invention is not too elaborate. It just requires a genius to come up with it. It was, however, inspired by the stupidest of plans in contemporary Malaysian history.

You see, the device I invented is to be used on all adult Muslim men in Malaysia, and will make its debut in the Islamic State of Kelantan (IS-Kelantan).

Of course, I may not make as much money as the guy who invented that plastic ring to be placed on an infant’s penis for circumcision.

If my device is one day to be used on those Jews, I will have to set up a different company, maybe in Singapore or Thailand, so that I can flood the Israeli market and get around the fictional economic sanction we claim to impose.

In its final design, the device looks just like a watch. Every Muslim adult must wear it on Friday before they enter the vicinity of the mosque for Friday prayers. It is tamper-proof, has a screen made of helicopter glass, and is powered by a chip connected to the state Islamic Department’s database of Muslim names, which in turn is filtered from the National Registration Department’s MyKad central system.

This device sends a signal back to the Islamic Department’s system to study the number of times a Muslim attends the mosque within a period of three weeks. The data is collated automatically every week to detect anyone who misses three Friday prayers consecutively.

This is, after all, the plan of IS-Kelantan, where a Muslim man could be charged and fined RM1,000 or face a one-year jail sentence if found to have skipped Friday prayer for three consecutive weeks.  But I doubt they have any clue how to implement this.

One female assemblyperson went further by recommending that a committee consisting of women be established to monitor men who do not perform Friday prayers.

Tsk tsk, the gall of Muslim women these days to suggest such blasphemous plans, when it has been ordained that it is men who have to look after women.

This is where my invention will play a role, to automate the supervision of millions of adult Muslims. At the same time, we can avoid such sins as allowing women to spy on us men.

My device, like Russia’s BUK missile, also does not work in isolation. It works with special state-of-the-art readers. Every entrance and exit of a mosque is equipped with this reader, to track the device worn by men who enter the mosque vicinity.

Of course, with this system, a Friday prayer is only recognised at mosques where the system is in place. So you see, it kills another bird: it allows the state to identify mosques which conduct Friday prayers without its permission.

Imagine, a fatwa will be given to make it compulsory for every man to be issued with the device and to wear it on Friday. Do you know how much profit we are talking about here?

No, my device is not an attempt to put God out of job. I mean well. It is to ensure punishment to those who default in their Friday prayers is meted out in this world itself.

So perhaps He can take care of other more important issues in this world. As it is, all indication is that Hell will be overcrowded, and one of the roles of our guardians of Islam is to make sure heaven is filled to the brim with Malaysian Muslims.

So by taking up this hitherto divine duty, we hope to ease the waiting time in Hell, because sins such as missing Friday prayers will have already been accounted for before one’s death.

I am sure you have so many questions, like “What guarantee is there that it is not foolproof?” or “Can people manipulate it?” Of course, there will be teething problems. Some, I have already ironed out. So don’t try to be too smart.

For example, the device is smart enough to know if one merely entered and exited a mosque without even attending the Friday session.

You see, every week, the Islamic Department’s centre updates all the devices, much like your smartphones being updated with latest versions of the OS.

This update sets the current prayer time for Friday prayers, and predicts the end of a Friday congregation in each area. So only during this duration of time will the device work to record your attendance.

I am a genius, no?

Once it is successful, I plan to expand this system and promote it to all state Islamic departments in Malaysia.

No, we don’t need religious police. We are, after all, a progressive Islamic nation, which uses the latest technological advancements.

Who knows, one day, my wealth will multiply beyond imagination, due to the endless possibilities of this brilliant innovation.

For example, large multinational and local companies with a big population of Muslim workers can also track whether their employees are really in the mosque on Fridays or just taking extra long hours for lunch. For a fee, these companies can ensure zero truancy, especially during Friday prayer time.

Soon I will be meeting with top officials of IS-Kelantan. Wish me luck in my endeavour. Believe me, mine is set to become the best technological aid to the Muslim ummah since the invention of the microphone!

Meantime, I’m still trying to draft one nasty email to my editors before I gallivant around the world with my fortune. You think we like working in this Stan Lee-type newsroom with all the pressures for a good story? Well, who’s the superhero now! – October 18, 2014.

* This is the personal opinion of the writer or publication and does not necessarily represent the views of The Malaysian Insider.