Ladies, how about four husbands?

JAN 13 — Recently, an article written by Nadine al-Bedair My Four Husbands and I created a furor among  the Saudi conservatives. The said essay was picked up by the English media, though it hardly mustered a mention in Malaysia.

Reading it, I thought Khaled Diab’s analysis of al Bedair’s prose as honest, practical and that Bedair put forth her arguments wittily.

Diab commented, “Nadine al-Bedair quite sensibly posed the logical question: if Muslim men are entitled to marry up to four wives, why can’t women, in the spirit of equality between believers, have four husbands?

“I have long questioned why it is men have a monopoly on this right. No one has been able to explain to me convincingly why it is I’m deprived of the right to polyandry,” she complains.

The outspoken Saudi then goes on to deconstruct and question the traditional justifications for polygamy, including that, in a traditional patriarchal society, it is a shelter for widows, divorcees and women who can’t find a spouse; that men have greater sexual appetites than women and get easily bored; that women can’t handle more than one man; and that, if women could have multiple husbands, determining paternity would not be possible (an excuse made obsolete by modern science).”

“They tell me that I, as a woman, can’t handle more than one man physically. I say that women who cheat on their husbands and the ‘sellers of love’ [ie. prostitutes] do much more,” she counters.

I have to agree: what makes people think that women are truly the weaker sex and can barely handle one man’s ferocious appetite for sex?

Because I know many women who play out of their relationships and marriages, and there’s a growing number of polyamorous types walking and living in this city.

And do think about it: with women being more educated and financially independent, what can ONE MAN offer her? Not all men are good in bed, you know.

One man for love, one man for money, one man for sex and one man for great deep meaningful conversation.

And before you boys get riled up and start waving your er, ‘keris’ to prove your manhood, observe the more up-market hotel lounges and coffeehouses.  Those ladies who lunch and look like boiled eggs? You think the boys with them are their SONS?

So. Let’s say we want to halalkan zina. Perhaps by legitimising the affairs, women too should be allowed four husbands.

“Ha? You dah gila ke. Laki satu pun dah pening, nak empat lagi?” A friend was incredulous.

Ah, ladies. This is where we err. Allow me to quote a good friend who is KL’s style maven: Dzireena Mahadzir. In her last column she told us to think like a man. And to think like a man is to compartmentalise.  Remember!

One man for love

One man for money.

One man for sex

One man for great deep meaningful conversation.

You repeat all the four lines 1,000 times a day in front of you mirror. InsyAllah.

I have this friend who’s a Shiite and she’s younger than me. Devout, she has had six husbands already.

“Oh my God, you’re only 30 and you’ve had six husbands?!”

“Dina, I kahwin mutaah! We Shiites can do so!”

“What on earth is that?” Kahwin lari I had heard. Mutaah no.

According to the Jakim website: “Nikah Mutaah (kahwin kontrak) iaitu meletakkan syarat untuk menjadi pasangan suami isteri buat sementara atau beberapa tahun sahaja.

Para fuqaha’ telah bersepakat telah menyatakan bahawa kahwin mut’ah hanya dibenarkan pada awal perkembangan Islam.Kebenaran pada masa itu adalah dengan tujuan untuk memperkembangkan Islam dan setelah hari pembukaan Mekah perkahwinan seperti itu telah diharamkan dan pengharaman tersebut adalah selama-lamanya. Ia bukan suatu yang bidaah atau yang baru diada-adakan cuma ada antara mazhab dalam Syiah yang membenarkan perkahwinan tersebut.

Dan pada masa ini, berlaku juga persetujuan bersama pasangan suami isteri tentang tempoh tertentu sebagai syarat perkahwinan untuk kepentingan peribadi, harta benda dan sebagainya samada disedari ataupun tidak bahawa meletakkan tempoh tertentu sebagai syarat itu pun menyebabkan tidak sah akad. .” [1], [2]

Wah, I also want la. I want to be Malaysia’s Elizabeth Taylor! I want I want!

Now what is the argument against polyandrous women?

The very enlightening and humorous book on genetics and evolution Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters by Alan S. Miller and Satoshi Kanazawa explains what monogamy, polygyny and polyandry are. Monogamy is the marriage of one man to one woman while polygyny is the marriage of one man to more than one woman.

Polyandry is the marriage of one woman to more than one man. Polygamy is the more popular term for polygyny, though the term refers to both.

“Now, the fact that polyandry is very rare in human society decidedly does not mean that married women have always been faithful to their husbands and mated with one man. On the contrary, human females have been promiscuous throughout their evolutionary history.”

The issue of paternity arises as men decide to stake claims on their progeny, and while polygynous men would be able to discern whose child is whose (which wife), with polyandrous women, it would be much, much harder. Sperm from different males have to fight with each other to impregnate the female.

Which is why the human penis is shaped the way it is.

The book quoted Gordon G Gallup and his collaborators. “The shape of the human penis… is shaped like a wedge.”

When a human male and human female copulate, the thrusting motions the penis makes “would be to draw foreign semen back away from the cervix…

“So in the case of polyandrous females, their males partners will be competing to scoop out rival sperms.

“In other words, the human penis is a semen displacement service.”

It’s a shovel.

So there you have it, my dear readers. The scientific reason behind the move against polyandry: safeguarding your progeny. Me Tarzan you Jane and this is my monkey.

Truth is, at least among my women friends and me, fidelity and monogamy are the most practical options. I quote another friend, “Aiyo, kalau one man dah berapa round, ni nak empat, mati keras aku woi…”

Readers with no sense of humour are not allowed to read my column.

Readers who think they are smarter than everyone else who reads TMI are not allowed to read my column.

Readers who think they are the next Messiah and already have a place in Heaven definitely CANNOT read my column.

[1] Note to readers: you are all Malaysians. If you can quarrel about the Allah issue, you can translate the above into English yourself.

[2] Note to readers II: yes, I am too lazy to translate it for you.