Let’s talk about (halal) sex

OCT 26 — Of course this essay would have to be about the Obedient Wives Club. One can’t pass up the chance to write about the one very titillating piece of news in the media, though the recent Auditor-General’s Report comes close. And that is a painful read.

Like many Malaysians, I was flabbergasted and speechless when I read online accounts of the launch of the book titled, “Seks Islam – Perangi Yahudi Untuk Kembalikan Seks Islam Kepada Dunia (Sex in Islam –Wage War Against Jews To Return Islamic Sex To The World)”.

One, the English titled begged to be deciphered as it made no sense. Two, the title, even when understood, also begged for a suspension of disbelief. They cannot be serious about this: Having kosher sex meant that the Jews would be destroyed? How? What position would help destroy the Zionists for good?

The Star quoted Hatijah Aam, “When a man reached the highest spiritual level, he can appear in multiple apparitions and have sex with his wives even though they are in separate locations”. Personally, I find this frightening. If a man can do this, I would think he has a hantu raya. If my husband, who’s supposed to be in Frankfurt, appears in bed with me in KL, I would file for divorce on the spot. I am very scared of hantu.

Feminists, conservatives and righteous men and women condemned the Obedient Wives Club and their book. On Twitter and Facebook, everyone I knew just howled and wet themselves laughing over the latest faux pas. They were crazy, those women.

But allow me to put this to you:

Their book is no different than the many sex manuals you can get off the Internet. We even have our infamous Permata Yang Hilang and Mona Gersang. What’s the big deal?

While we deride these women for having the audacity to talk about sex and launch a book on halal sexual positions, you gotta give it to them.

These women own their sexuality. The only difference is that these women have sex in a marriage, monogamous or polygamous.

“How can women as unattractive as them HAVE sex?” a friend asked.

Precisely. These women may not win any modelling contests, but they’re having nookie. And there are quite a number of women who are the antithesis of the OWC, who aren’t getting any.

Any woman, married or single, who hasn’t Googled “How To Perform Oral Sex” and “Various Sex Positions” is lying about it. It doesn’t matter if she is Muslim, Christian or an atheist. I repeat again. Any woman who hasn’t Googled for a sex act is a liar or under-aged.

And any woman who does not discuss bedroom secrets with her girlfriends and gay male friends is a freak. Who else will tell you what not to do and what to do, to please yourself and your man? Your parents?

The OWC women own their sex lives. Whether they receive pleasure from giving in to their husbands’ desire is something we will never know, but they have taken all this into their hands, figuratively.

Read women’s magazines: The Pursuit of the Elusive Female Orgasm is always a hot topic. Read November’s issue of the Malaysian Women’s Weekly. There’s an article expounding on behaving like a whore in bed, which may save one’s marriage.

I spoke with two heterosexual male friends about this. One acquiesced to the fact that it was these women’s right to have a great sex life. Hooray for them, hijabbed or not.

The other male was not too comfortable with the idea of women writing sex manuals and Googling for sex positions.

“Well wouldn’t it be better for you? You wouldn’t want your girlfriend or wife to gnaw or bite off your woowoo, would you?” I asked.

“No… but it feels weird to know women Google things like this.”

“If a woman is a lousy lay, you complain. When she Googles, you don’t feel comfortable. You are weird.”

Nicole Daedone of the Slow Sex Movement has appeared on TED.com to talk about orgasm, meditation. Her uber popular website Onetaste.us offers online workshops on women’s and men’s pleasure, and talks about intimacy in a frank, intelligent manner.

The Slow Sex movement has taken sexually empowered Americans by storm. And why not? It fosters more love and closeness among couples.

So why is it so strange when a couple of Muslim women propagate halal sex? How different are they from all of us?

* The views expressed here are the personal opinion of the columnist.