What are we teaching our young women?

JUNE 16 — This question came about when a male friend and I had lunch. He and his male friends were talking about how the women they met would always assess their finances and “potential” before moving on to richer men.

And my friend and his friends are not in the poverty bracket; they are professionals, financially responsible, and take care of their parents and siblings. Whatever happened to a romantic partnership whereby both partners worked towards a common goal, such as financial stability, a lifestyle they aspired to, a family, and so forth?

I can understand where these young men are coming from. The young women I have met and worked with are, of course, not as mercenary. They tend to work in the non-profit sector, and media. However, they may be a minority in a sea of women driven to find rich men.

Women (and some men) marrying for wealth and status is not something new. It is as old as the oldest profession: sex work. Some feminists will argue that marriage can be considered legalised prostitution.

For the many women who don’t abide by this rule, marriage was practical. For the Hmong women of Vietnam, marriage was marriage. There was no concept of romantic love, and “Is he the one?”

For the modern Western woman, marriage is about The One, and a Journey of Forever, until Divorce Knocketh on the Door. For Believing Women, marriage is about God’s will, and that it is not just about a family and being a good spouse. Marriage is a spiritual and religious journey. Ask any believing Muslim or Christian that.

Yet it would seem that these days, marriage is about a person’s bank balance. Of course money is important. In this day and age, when young people are already in debt before an engagement (college loans, car loans), how can one not think of money? Health care costs are increasing. Even food at the mamak is getting expensive. Soon there may be subsidy cuts. How on earth is anyone to live and even think of a wedding?

Still, the number of young, nubile gold-diggers seems to grow by leaps and bounds. Young college girls from middle-class homes dating older, married men for handbags. Magazines and entertainment media shouting and touting the latest trends. Technology and communications industries giving birth to the latest gadgets. And in this progressive world which views money as God, and where we all want success fast — and NOW — does anyone have the patience to build love and a joint bank-balance?

I see many young girls these days toting Chanel. Unless they are the scions of the very rich, those handbags must be very good fakes. How can young women afford RM8,000 handbags when their pay is about RM2,500 per month?

The competition among these girls is fierce and brutal. Can you blame them? Young women are more educated and successful than men now. The pickings among single young men are very slim, especially for ambitious young girls.

In comes the Older, Wealthier and Very Married Men who come to the rescue. Even then, that’s not insurance. They move on when they realise that there is no: (1) marital future and (2) financial future as there may be other richer men out there.

But in the meantime, make hay while the sun shines. They reap and sow and the Rich Married Men end up skint. And believe you me, I have seen how some of these young girls treat their wealthy men. Begone the myth of the docile, submissive mistress.

Ambitious mothers from rich and poor backgrounds hounding their daughters to marry money. If their daughters are beautiful, there’s even more pressure to marry a catch. Love is fleeting, money is forever.

Forget about saving the world, it’s not going to get you anywhere. As an older relative, I’m being held up as a prime example of what not to be. Working in the media and volunteering do not make money. Simply put: I’m an idiot.

My generation of women grew up on a diet of history and heroines like Tun Fatimah. We studied the political history of Umno, MCA and MIC of the 1950s and 60s. We all had a female family friend or relative who fought for Independence.

My mother was a teacher. Teaching was such an honourable profession then, and the pride she took in teaching her students, was evident even as she cared for us (though with my sisters and I, the rotan was ever ready and twitching). My mother’s friends from the Malay Girls’ College were and still are independent professionals to this day.

So how did this switch happen? When did some Malaysian women turn their backs to participating in their country’s development, and choosing to become consumerist “romantics”?

Perhaps people like you and I are blinkered. Love – does it get you very far in life? It certainly doesn’t add to your bank account. And maybe these young girls have a thing or two to teach us. It is sad, though, that a person’s marital worth is based on his potential, and financial status. At the end, a young man is just a piggy bank.

* The views expressed here are the personal opinion of the columnist.