Seven habits of ‘successful’ Malaysian politicians

Politicians worldwide are often, maybe rather unfairly, mocked for their perceived stereotypical dishonesty, backdoor dealings, double speak, lack of integrity and shifting allegiances.

In other words, politicians are the last people you trust, probably ranking slightly lower than your average businessman but still slightly higher than your average lawyer.

Politicians are also, again, sometimes mocked for saying and doing less than appropriate things.

But Malaysian politicians have taken this to a whole new level altogether.

Unlike most of modern civilisation, things that usually kill your political career, appear to fuel it here.

The more outlandish you are, the more successful you get!

Taking things way too personally

It is a norm for Malaysian politicians to issue personal challenges. It started with ordinary invitations to debates and forums, or challenges to repeat statements outside Parliament (to be sued) but has since escalated to full out challenges to contest against each other in “home grounds” (read: electoral constituencies).

What started as good natured, gentlemanly jibes is now more similar to schoolyard taunting than two educated adults having a difference of opinion.

It won’t come as too big a surprise if in the very near future, political disagreements will be settled with a two grown men duking it out in a gloves-off fist fight in the front of Parliament.

And the way things are going, it certainly looks like it will be a royal spectacle.

Making racist, bigoted statements

The more racist the statement, the better. Not too long ago, it used to be just veiled sarcasm and maybe the occasional emotional blackmail.

Now we have outright comments that are not only insensitive, but downright crass and tasteless.

Malaysian politicians today openly question the rights of citizenship of their fellow Malaysians, openly intimidate and threaten racial groups with withholding of funds and development, and even demand them to leave the country.

The same applies to religious communities. Followed by the universal “justification” – “I’m not racist… I have friends/business partners from other races”. Well, yes, and Hitler’s role model was a Jew.

Practising casual sexism

Reading the Malaysian newspapers and the comments by ministers, no less, especially on the fairer sex would make the unaccustomed reader check and re-check the publication dates, as they sound like we never progressed from the 1920s.

From making fun of a woman’s menstrual cycle or attire, to making nonchalant remarks on rape, to drawing parallels between a woman’s age to a political party, Malaysian male politicians sometimes forget they are born of a woman, married a woman, and in some cases, have fathered some women.

Seeking cheap publicity

While baby kissing and animal petting photo opportunities are common, Malaysian politicians can add a few things peculiar to this part of the globe.

Our penchant for remarkably lofty but largely useless “syok sendiri” feats such as longest teh tarik or biggest wantan have also spread into politics – with flower garlands getting bigger with each passing Deepavali and ageing leaders looking younger with every passing election campaign poster.

Our leaders are also appear to spend a lot of time pointing at potholes and broken street lights, checking out vegetables in the market and taking the LRT to nowhere in particular.

While they are not busy doing that, they will be handing out red packets to orphans or teaching you how to fry rice to save money on GST.

Once in a while, when the mood is right and the night is young, they would take credit for something like Malaysia’s best in the world education system, universities, Internet connection, standard of English, or whatever else they are told. Or would like to tell themselves.

Defying the illogical

“Illogical” would be an understatement of what Malaysian politicians are capable of saying.

For example, the ringgit devalued because Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad criticised the government.

Wow, if he is that powerful, that a simple comment now, 12 years into his retirement could bring down our currency this much, why did he not do the reverse and save the ringgit from George Soros by reciting this powerful economic spell he is capable of casting?

Another opposition politician, suggested that if had governmental control, he could locate a missing plane that 20 countries have been looking for, in one second.

It would appear Malaysia keeps lowering the bar of minimal intelligence required for politics, and then consistently fails to achieve that requirement.

Being misquoted, misunderstood, mistaken, etc

Flip flop in a Malaysian context could mean three things – first, a type of electrical circuit everyone learnt about in Kemahiran Hidup second, a type of rubbery slippers, formerly used to keep your feet dry in a toilet, now favoured by beachgoers and hipsters, and thirdly, every other statement that comes out from a Malaysian politicians.

From prices of controlled goods, to what is and isn’t covered by GST, to usage of English as a medium of instruction in schools, one would be forgiven to think that Malaysian politicians have the memory storage capacity of an average goldfish.

A statement today would usually only last today and should not be the basis of any important nation-affecting decision.

As the statement would often be reported as misquoted tomorrow. Only in Malaysia as well, can a political party pass a resolution at a party congress to sever ties with an ally, only to say later that it’s not really a final decision.

Fragments of imagination

From people crossing parties to parties crossing people, Malaysia does it all. On one hand you have individual politicians who have been through all the political parties, like Datuk Ibrahim Ali, who has been in all major parties representing the Malays, and eventually founding his own party to do the same.

On the other, you have political parties who have swung left, right, middle and back left. PAS, for example, have been in and out of Barisan Nasional, Angkatan Perpaduan Ummah, Barisan Alternatif and now appear to be on their way out of Pakatan Rakyat.

The smaller your race, the more political parties represent you. Indians, for example, have more political parties representing them than any other race.

Politics in Malaysia can be many things, but boring isn’t one them. – June 16, 2015.

* This is the personal opinion of the writer or publication and does not necessarily represent the views of The Malaysian Insider.