Addressing the patriarchal white elephant in the room

Let’s admit it, it is tough being a young woman in Malaysia. While my chronological age excludes myself from being in such a group any more, I recently attended my high school reunion, and in the span of three hours, was transported back to the time when we were all young and carefree girls.

Or perhaps there is still that young, carefree and sometimes insecure girl in all of us now adult women, and when faced with comments or criticism that alludes to chauvinism, sexism or simply plain patriarchal judgment on our fair gender, either in our daily lives or online, I feel compelled to respond.

Unlike fellow columnist, Hafidz Baharom, I am a woman and thus inclined to speak my mind as a woman.

Why is it that with most issues, women have to take the blame, and even ridiculed? Even in cases of rape, one sees the victims being blamed for what they were wearing at the time or for their behaviour. The imagination of those upholding such patriarchal views and this group consists of both men and women alike, stretched the limits to blame even the tragedy of the still missing flight MH370 to the choice of uniform worn by the stewardesses.

There seems to be no end to the responsibilities that we women have to shoulder.

From personal experience and reading articles and blogs by women, there is no end to criticism about our sex.

Women and girls are judged on the shapes and sizes of our bodies, our choices on whether we would get married (must be of same ethnic background and religion, but “mat salleh” or “pak arab” is okay) and have children (when, how many, are we having boys or girls; if we don’t want children then we are less of a woman), our careers and career progression, or if we choose to be stay-at-home mums (with or without a side business), even our taste in men.

Apparently, only tall, dark and handsome men are supposed to be our flavour of choice.

Look, for me, I find Farish Noor to be a superbly fine specimen of a man, while my good friend finds Khairy Jamaludin attractive.

I respect her choice, as she does mine. We both can’t like the same type of men because we are two different women.

With 64.7% of Malaysians using the Internet and 48.73% of these numbers on Facebook alone, any opinions, photos, videos or status updates with blatant or underlying patriarchal agenda are reinforced with the instantaneous ability to make anything viral and, unfortunately, our society is more prone to share hurtful and vindictive things.

Last week alone, we saw our society going from discussing the Charlie Hebdo massacre to vilifying young girls attending a K (K for Korean)-pop concert.

The girls who attended the concert are just simply attending a concert.

The response, on my timeline alone, called for these girls to be charged under Shariah law for (apparently) ridiculing Islam, comparing these girls and their innocent enjoyment of the music they love with women who are a part of a female-only army, and to banning hugging altogether.

But what’s worse was the whole exercise on humiliating, vilifying and ridiculing these girls on social media. Ironically, it was in a surah titled “The Women” that such acts are addressed:

“God loves not that evil (also translated as malevolent slander and libel, or malicious gossips) should be noised abroad in public speech except where injustice has been done.” An-Nisa’, 4:148, Quran

Our fingers and tongues should be more vigilant when speaking or sharing. Perhaps age has made us forget how it is like to be young, but reminiscing on my own high school years on Saturday with my friends – all of us were young once.

We idolised boy bands. I myself was a huge fan of KRU and Backstreet Boys before turning my likes to more inspiring figures. Not that my bad taste in music solely define the measure of the woman I am!

We must allow young girls (and boys) to grow up into the women (and men) they themselves aspire to be.

Instead of ridiculing them, we must provide them a supportive environment for them to spread their wings, find their strengths, learn from their weaknesses and simply be.

Empower them with education, allow discourse, allow them to speak their minds and make their own choices.

Love instead of hate. Show compassion instead of harsh judgment.

We must allow every young woman to make her own choices. Not having a big brother organisation telling us women what to do, who to hug, what kind of men we should be attracted to and what to wear.  

Women are more than just the clothes on our bodies. We can wear the baju kurung, cheongsam, saree, or T-shirt and jeans. What we wear cannot fully represent the beautiful and complex beings that we are.

Some of us choose to put on the tudung, others don’t. Our faiths and principles should not be subjected solely to whether we have a piece of cloth on our heads.

What should matter is the purity of our hearts and that, is a personal relationship between God and us. – January 21, 2015.

* This is the personal opinion of the writer or publication and does not necessarily represent the views of The Malaysian Insider.