I’m okay without a husband

An ex-boyfriend once told me that in a parallel universe, there is a Lyana who is a housewife with a domineering husband and three pestilent kids, and that perhaps the universe I currently live in is kinder to me.

My argument to him back then was it could have been a happy scenario if the Lyana in that situation made the decision to get married and have children based on her own personal rights and choice.

Plus, I think even if I were to be a housewife and living an opposite life to the one I am in now; I can still be a feminist, an educator, and the superwoman I aspire to be.

In both universes, I would still be a woman.

Empowering women is not about teaching us to hate men or making men the victims in reverse – it’s about allowing women the freedom to be whoever we choose to be, and usually we would choose to be the best version of ourselves.

The recent cacophony over the film “Suami Aku Ustaz” shouldn’t surprise anybody. Well, it sure didn’t surprise me. Films and books exist to sell, after all.

We should all learn from Rita Skeeter that reality and truth don’t matter; all that matters is making a product so sensational that a majority of people would want to spend money on it.

Case in point: “Twilight”, “Fifty Shades of Grey”, “Ombak Rindu”. If I list every sexist, misogynistic thing that sells in the world today, I would need more than 800 words to write this article.

Yet, there is power in media, be it the silver screen or written words. Anything that we see or read would somehow influence our ideologies and the concern raised by women rights’ activists over the film and book is valid.

We should not be promoting child marriage and we should not think of marriage as a sole solution to social ills among youths and adolescents.

Further, I myself have had enough of the blatant misogyny and bigotry in our locally produced films and novels.

I find it amazing that when asked who is our hero or role model, most of us would answer “our mothers”. But when it comes to respecting another girl or woman as a human being, we seem to have lost it.

When contacted by the media, the producers of the film mentioned that the film only serves to promote marriage as “halal”.

Okay, I do not discount the choices made by women who do decide to get married; but when I was 17 years old, my only worry was getting the string of As for SPM.

God forbid if I’ve had mentioned marriage to my parents at that age; they would have given me a beating.

Perhaps I came from a privileged life, after all, my own grandmother was married off when she was 12 years old. But that was two generations ago!

Further, the complexity of marriage within our Minangkabau caste and the fact she cannot provide for herself due to not having had education played a big role in her marriage.

What then, justifies marriage at an early age?

Is it poverty and inability to provide for a child?

Or, the sexism embedded in us that women needed to be “taken care of” financially?

I think history itself has proven that by allowing girls the rights to education and to join the workforce, the world is a better place for it. From the World Bank website, “More educated women tend to be healthier, participate more in the formal labour market, earn more income, have fewer children, and provide better health care and education to their children, all of which eventually improve the well-being of all individuals and can lift households out of poverty. These benefits also transmit across generations, as well as to communities at large.”

In our furore over this issue, it seems that in our haste to protect girls, we forgot to give them the chance to voice what they want and what they do not.

Parent-child communication seems lacking, in cases of sexual abuse or even children’s own curious experimentation in their own sexuality – youths and adolescents find it hard to confide in their parents. Yet, some parents are happy to marry off their children.

In the context of “Suami Aku Ustaz”, I think the message should actually be: do not destroy one’s child future over religious enlightenment.

I might be wrong, but in case of the fifth pillar of Islam i.e. going for the hajj pilgrimage; didn’t it come with a clause that it is only compulsory if one is physically and financially able, and can provide support for their remaining family members in their absence?

For parents who can afford to go for this pilgrimage, which lasts all of 40 days and the mandatory rituals taking place over 10 days, couldn’t have they arranged to bring their only daughter along or leave her in the care of trusted family members rather than marrying her off?

Couldn’t they have been more pragmatic rather than leaving her future in an imbalance and submitted to the whim of a man?

I digress. Such stories sell. Girls need better role models through media and I am still waiting for the local book or film that can capture this. I am waiting for a local Hermione.

But in my capacity, well, “tiada suami, aku okay.” – May 27, 2015.

* This is the personal opinion of the writer or publication and does not necessarily represent the views of The Malaysian Insider.