Multiple wives club: Fantasy vs responsibility

DEC 7 — “I first learned the concepts of non-violence in my marriage.” — Mahatma Gandhi 

“Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.” — Georg C. Lichtenberg

“My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates

“Second marriage: the triumph of hope over experience.” — Samuel Johnson

One way of looking at the institution of marriage is through the historical eyes of creation (man), but another way of looking at it is through the words of the Creator.

One of the most often asked question by non-Muslims and inquiring (but uninformed) Muslims concerns having more than one wife (polygamy). This is sometimes the enticement for some to convert (others say revert) to Islam, and for others to become an even more “practising” Muslim. Hmmm.

The interest in the “multiple wives club”, from such people, is less from an inquiring theological connection or history seeking mind, but seems more from the immediate gratification associated with the libido and fantasy desires. This is further perpetuated by the stereo-typing info-tainment media and Hollywood.

Is this an observation or a judgment?

(Query: It would be interesting to know which Muslim country (possibly an incorrect statement) has the most polygamists: Saudi Arabia? Egypt? Indonesia? Malaysia? Nigeria? Put differently, is this an Arab and/or Asian/African phenomenon? Furthermore, is it more common amongst the wealthier/literate or poorer/illiterate Muslims?)

It is somewhat surprising the anti-syariah movement has not yet pounced on the conversions, as part of their arguments, for “syariah creep” or backdoor conversions.

The concept of polygamy is found in other religions and traditions including Mormonism. However, it is mostly identified with Islam in the minds of, say, Westerners. But, identified without truly understanding the wisdom and the clear pre-conditions for “approval” from the Creator concerning polygamy.

Revelation, responsibility and reality

First, a little a background is necessary to better appreciate the multiple wives scenario within Islam. The Quran and Islamic (syariah) law, unlike many traditions and cultures of the time, sought to control and regulate the number of wives rather than give man the free “licence of lust” without the corresponding responsibility.

In order for us to understand the Quranic texts, we have to see the ruling about polygamy in context. In seventh-century Arabia and in distant lands, a man could have as many wives as he chose and to prescribe to only four was an unhappy limitation.

For a Muslim, there is no ambiguity in Surah Nisa 4:3, as it’s very simple and clear message from the Creator:

If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice. Surah Nisa 4:3 Yosuf Ali

It should be noted, the Quran permits but does not command a man to have four wives.

Furthermore, another Ayah, Al Baqarah 2:228, states:

And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allaah is All-Mighty, All-Wise.

There are two words that stand out here: equality (in treatment) and responsibility (maintenance).

Finally, the Prophet (SAW) is reported to have said: “Among the Muslims the most perfect, as regards his faith, is the one whose character is excellent, and the best among you are those who treat their wives well.” Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 628.

Equal treatment possible?

As stated above, the Quran stipulates that a man is responsible for the maintenance of his wife or wives. If a man has more than one wife, he has to provide separate living accommodation for each of his wives.

Therefore, multiple marriages are a heavy responsibility, financially and otherwise, on the man. It is not a superficial pleasure trip laden with all kinds of sexual exploits involving a man and his wives altogether.

(Where does the “controversial” Obedient Wives Club (OWC), an “…international Islamic faith-based organisation which claims to promote harmonious families by teaching wives how to be submissive to their husbands…”, fit in within the Creator’s conditional permissibility of allowing multiple wives? Furthermore, its provocative book, “Islamic Sex, Fighting Jews to Return Islamic Sex to the World”, “… which encouraged wives to act like ‘first-class whores’ in order to keep husbands from straying…” caused much chatter, possibly for the worse for women?)

In Islam, such activity is not permissible. A man must divide his time equally among his wives. He may, for example, spend one night with each wife on a rotating schedule. If a man cannot maintain justice in the equal treatment of his wives, the Quran then stipulates that he is to have no more than one wife.

(Thus, a mortal Muslim man cannot have a favourite wife as that would violate the rule of equality.)

Muslims regard this Quranic permission as strengthening and raising the status of women and the family. It ensures the welfare of single woman and widows in a society whose male population was diminished by, say, warfare, and to curb unrestricted polygamy.

Thus, given such a scenario during the challenging time period, the woman would have option be a “co-wife” or be a “no wife”.

Conclusion

There are some, Muslims and non-Muslims, who say Islam is a male-dominant religion or female-repressive religion, and, often use the example of four wives to highlight their point. The Obedient Wives Club may perpetuate and accentuate the perception.

Let’s put aside that the multiple wives option has been mistreated by some like in accounting terms LIFO (last in, first out) and FIFO (first in, first out), where the magical number of (up to) four is maintained. Obviously, that violates both the spirit and rule of mercy from the Creator.

Let’s also put aside that a distinction must be made between Islam (the religion) and Muslims (influenced by culture), as the truth is with the former and the “wives’ tale” rests with the latter.

Thus, for a Muslim to be part of the “multiple wives club”, the thresholds, as set down by the Creator, are very high, and they also act as an equaliser for women.

So, the next time [a male] comments, with a cheeky grin, “…you Muslims are so lucky to be able to have up to four wives …” the reply may start with the historical reference, then move on the clear-cut ordained responsibilities and pre-conditions, and conclude by saying marriage, in Islam, is not a “sexual exchange”.

* The views expressed here are the personal opinion of the columnist.