Saying sorry and meaning it too!

“Please say sorry to Dylan, Athena,” I say to her after she deliberately snatches a toy that her cousin is playing with.

“No,” she replies.

“You have to say sorry when you do something wrong.”

“No.”

“Athena! You better say sorry now!”

“No!”

“You say sorry now or I’ll put you in your room!”

“No!”

(And she starts screaming and crying while I sigh a huge one!)

Being a father has its challenges. Especially when the kid is still a mischievous three-year-old girl. But you learn things as you go along.

One of the things I feel has been a major challenge has been teaching my daughter right from wrong and, more importantly, realising when she is wrong and when to apologise for it.

I know that many parenting experts say that you should never force your child to say sorry. She needs to learn that what she does hurts others and that it is wrong.

Then she can sorry and really mean it.

The above example of the tantrum Athena would throw was actually a regular occurrence when she was between one and two years old.

So although I didn’t like her behaviour and wanted to put a check to it, I thought at the back of my mind that somehow, it was excusable since she was still so young.

Athena is three and a half now, going on four. And guess what? It is getting slightly easier for her to understand that if she does something wrong, it hurts others.

She goes to playschool on weekdays and also has regular play dates with friends her age. And socialising has really helped to improve her understanding.

Now, she is learning to realise that other people can do things that she doesn’t like. And I nudge her to understand that others feel the same way when she does it too.

And of course, the end goal is to actually educate Athena so that she knows her actions have consequences and that she should never hurt people in the first place.

Then, hopefully, she will be a much more considerate and compassionate human being and apologies won’t even be necessary.

So now, in the same situation as described before, the outcome would be like this:

“Athena. Don’t do that to Dylan! Say sorry,” I would say to her.

“No!”

“Athena. That’s not nice. Would you like it if I snatched a toy away from you for no reason?”

“No.”

“Then say sorry to Dylan. Poor Dylan.”

“Sorry, Dylan.”

(She moves in to kiss Dylan on the cheek and I feel like an accomplished parent!)

Of course, this only happens about 50% of the time when we ask her to apologise. The other half of the time, she’ll be forced to say sorry while crying and screaming!

Then we know she doesn’t mean it and is just saying it because she’s forced to say it. But hey! She’s only three years old and still doesn’t fully comprehend things.

Now Bung Mokhtar… what’s your excuse? – July 11, 2014.

* This is the personal opinion of the writer or publication and does not necessarily represent the views of The Malaysian Insider.